How Asians Came to Be
by OwlinAMinor
Summary: Basically a creation myth explaining the existence of Asians. Only, you know, with Doctor Who characters. And a mafia cabbage. Christmas present for my friend Kellen. CRACK, LOTS OF CRACK.


**Title: How Asians Came to Be**

**Pairing: um … Amy/Rory? Jack/a cabbage? Ten/Rose? I don't even know.**

**Genre: CRACK**

**Summary: Basically a creation myth explaining the existence of Asians. Only, you know, with Doctor Who characters. And a mafia cabbage. Christmas present for my friend Kellen.**

**Length: oneshot**

**Dissing of the Claims: I DO NOT OWN DOCTOR WHO, AND THAT IS PROBABLY GOOD, BECAUSE IF I DID IT WOULD BASICALLY BE THE TENTH DOCTOR AND JACK HARKNESS HAVING A WEIRD BUT ADORABLE RELATIONSHIP AND THEN IT WOULD BE THE PONDS BEING PONDS AND THEN IT WOULD BE CLARA NOT DYING AND IT WOULD BE A LOT LESS INTERESTING.**

**A/N: The first (of many) Christmas present fanfics that I'm putting up on FFnet. Why Christmas present fics? Because I'm broke, and writing my friends' weird requests is fun (and difficult and stressful, but fun.) I'm posting this one first, because I wrote it first, and am most proud of it, for some inexplicable reason …**

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a cabbage named Chang.

Chang was a very cabbage-y cabbage, with a cabbage-y face consisting of cabbage-y eyes, a cabbage-y nose, and the most cabbage-y mouth anyone had ever seen. He came from a family of infamously clever, equally infamously vile mafia cabbages. (Yes, there are mafia cabbages. Why do you think some of them have different colored leaves from the others? Clearly, they're gang signs. The cabbages are given them at birth, like tattoos, based on their family names, and forced to stay in those gangs until death. It's a harsh life, being a cabbage.)

Chang's sole purpose in life was to bring honor to his family. Since his family was a mafia cabbage family, the best way for him to do that was to kill a good, pure, innocent man, preferably in the most clever and vile way imaginable.

Chang decided that the best way to find a good, pure, innocent man for him to kill in the most clever and vile way imaginable was to roll along until he came upon a man that just seemed right for him. So, he rolled along (the only method of transportation for cabbages, poor creatures) until he came to a vehicle that could take him somewhere he was likely to meet a good, pure, innocent man.

This vehicle was a small, blue, 1960's-era police box that was bigger on the inside. Chang thought it was a bit strange, but figured it would do, and besides, the door had closed, so he couldn't exactly roll back out again.

The police box suddenly started shaking violently, causing Chang to roll around on the floor in a very painful manner. It felt as though all of his organs were being banged by a hammer, one by one. He was surprised none of the people inside the police box (a really strange man with a bowtie, an angry, Scottish girl, and another smaller, nerdier man) didn't hear his screams of agony.

Luckily, after what felt like an eternity (which is a very long time for a cabbage, as they typically only live a few weeks), the shaking stopped, and the doors opened. Chang, trying to ignore his new, massive migraine, rolled out of the doors and into someone's apartment.

In the apartment, a slightly plump, but kind-faced man was playing with a baby.

Chang felt his little cabbage heart start beating a million times faster. He could feel it in his leaves: this man was the one he was supposed to kill. It was his _destiny_, as the heir to a legacy of mafia cabbages, to kill his man in the most clever and vile way possible.

Chang shouted his family's battle cry and leapt into the air like a [bottle cap coming off of a soda bottle], aiming straight for the man he was supposed to kill.

Unfortunately, one of the men from inside the police box, the weird one with the bowtie, stepped in front of the supposed-to-be-killed man at the last second and got hit with Chang's blow instead.

Now, the thing about the blows of mafia cabbages is that they aren't just lethal – they're the most painful way to die in the entire universe. Getting hit in the face by a mafia cabbage is more excruciatingly painful than having your brains sucked out through your nose, being buried alive, being burned at stake, having your arse stuck on a stake, and suffocating from massive mosquito bites _all at the same time_.

The blow was so extreme that not only did the first Doctor feel it (for that was who the strange man with the bowtie was – he was the eleventh Doctor), the previous two Doctors came to life next to the eleventh one.

While Chang readied himself to aim a second blow-of-the-mafia-cabbages at his target, the three Doctors explained what had happened to the eleventh Doctor's companions.

"So, you just _failed to notice_ that the being capable of delivering _the most painful blow_ in the entire universe was right here, under our noses?" Rory asked incredulously.

"Um … yes?" the tenth Doctor replied.

"To be fair, mafia cabbages are unseen when they're not being totally dangerous," the eleventh argued.

"Shut up, that's not important," the ninth said sassily. (He said it sassily because everything Nine does is definition sassy. Deal with it.)

Nine sassily convinced everyone else that they had more important fish to fry (or cabbages to conquer, as it was), so all three Doctors set about finding ways to conquer the cabbage, while Amy and Rory stood around asking stupid questions, pressing buttons, and poking things with sticks, which were their jobs, as companions.

Eleven thought that the best way to conquer the cabbage would be to hop in the TARDIS, grab River, arrive back at Craig's house before the cabbage had arrived, then somehow prevent things from happening by creating a lot of confusing paradoxes and letting everyone think he was dead when he was actually just saving the universe from impending doom, which for some reason he can never do until everyone thinks he's dead.

Ten thought that the best way to conquer the cabbage would be to ask it nicely to leave his friend (or his future reincarnation's friend, but whatever, it was basically the same thing) alone, and threaten it with eternal dishonor to its family if it didn't comply.

Nine sassily thought that the best way to conquer the cabbage would be to sassily tell it to go to its room, loudly and firmly and with some pointing for emphasis.

Chang was trying to explain to the sassy Nine that he couldn't go to his room because he didn't actually have one, he'd grown out of that days ago, but failing because he was a cabbage and of course cabbages cannot talk, when Rose Tyler appeared, and all hell broke loose.

Rose Tyler was followed by a bunch of daleks screaming "EXTERMINATE!" in loud, screechy voices. She and Ten bantered, then had an awkward hug full of sexual tension, because that's basically what their relationship consisted of.

The daleks were followed by a few weeping angels, which made Amy scared and pissed off, because that was another one of her jobs as a companion. Rory tried to comfort her, but she yelled at him (yet another one of her numerous jobs – she was doing so well with fulfilling her job requirements, it's surprising the Doctor doesn't pay her more.)

And then it turned out that there was a whole huge scary bunch of Silence on the ceiling, and there was a universal chorus of, "Oh, fuck," (except from Ten and Rose, who were still doing their awkward-sexual-tension-hug, and Nine, who was sassily being jealous.)

Now, let me bring your attention back to the baby Craig had been holding. The baby, if you remember, was named Stormageddon, and he considered everyone not his parents and Eleven (because Eleven was special) to be a peasant. Stormageddon did not take kindly to so many peasants invading his home, which he thought of as his domain.

So Stormageddon began to cry, because that was what he did when something that he did not like was happening.

The crying was so intense that every creature in the room (even Ten and Rose and Nine, but not Craig, because Craig had built up a tolerance to Stormageddon's crying after time, being the baby's father and all) had to hold his/her/its ears. But even that didn't hold out the crying, so they started crying as well.

The crying grew to such a massive extent that Chang could not take it any more. He had to destroy this baby. Even if he couldn't destroy the father (since mafia cabbages only have two mafia-cabbage-blows in their lifetimes), at least he would have some peace.

So, Chang yelled his warcry, and threw himself into the air in Stormageddon's direction.

Stormageddon saw this. He was a smart baby, though, so he was prepared for such an occasion. He brought out his ultra-super-special banana ray gun (a secret birthday present from Eleven) and shot Chang right in his cabbage-y face.

This blast caused all of the daleks and weeping angels and Silence and Rose and the other two Doctors to disappear, and it shot a randomness wave straight into the heart of Chang.

Chang grew taller, until he had a human form, with a yellow face (similar in coloring to his mafia tattoos), squinty cabbage-y eyes, a little cabbage-y nose, and a bald, cabbage-y head.

Jack Harkness popped up out of nowhere and flirted with Chang until Chang consented to have Jack's babies, and the babies were had, and they all wore bowties because bowties are cool and were determined to bring honor to their families because that had been Chang's goal in life and spoke English with strange accents because, after all, Chang had once been a cabbage, and everybody knows that cabbages can't talk.

And that's how Asians came to be.

_THE END._

(P.S. And then Amy and Rory had sex.)

_THE ACTUAL END._


End file.
